I hate myself

Because I want to better at running and yet secretly hope the weather is too bad to run (even when I WANT to run). It turns out it's snowing. But I still hate myself because the speed session wasn't cancelled and I COULD have gone.

I feel guilty and hate myself for wasting time feeling guilty and spend the whole time feeling guilty rather than running. Then it turns out the people who ran wasted their time because it was aborted after 15 minutes due to safety concerns. And then I hate myself for hating myself so much for not going in the first place. Like BIG DEAL. BIG DEAL that it's a BIG DEAL.

Which means it was definitely a big deal.

Because while I'm writing this I question why I'm doing it and try to remember the last thing I was doing and abandoned.

Coffee is the only thing that will calm me down because it suppresses my appetite stops me going mad because I'm so hungry ALL THE TIME.